Scattered

It has been a frustrating few weeks.  I've had a series of  distractions that has kept me out of the studio.  The least fun perhaps was the 'chance' to do our taxes.  This yearly endeavor causes nothing but grief and hair loss.  It is rather depressing to see how much money can be spent on the making of art.  In fact, I let it creep into that cyclical crevice in my brain that holds the nefarious creature I've spoken of before...  Yes, good ol' Self Doubt.  I quickly started to doubt the validity of being an artist at all.  What a selfish pursuit it is to be stuck in a room alone to make pretty pictures, when there are masses of people who are in need of real things like food and water and shelter.  How can I quantify the value or cost of my Art to my children?  I let these thoughts paralyze me.  I'm embarrassed to share that I could have given drawings to the Lodi Project's Artist's Unite For Haiti; I had intended too.  Yet, in my tail spin, I missed the drop off dates and lost an opportunity to feel like I affected some small change.  Did I intentionally sabotage myself so that I wouldn't feel a bit better?  And now even, is this post an attempt to appease the guilt felt for being a have instead of a have not?

At some point though, there is a need to breath again; to lift myself from the muddle of thoughts; to regain my determination to become a better artist (whatever that is to me, at that moment).  Once again, it was the by the grace of Mother Nature that yielded inner peace.  We were dealt our first snow storm of the season.  And it was wonderful to see the world anew.  A fresh white palette to observe the minutia in the scheme of the whole.  I wandered into my refuge, the woods, and once again found clarity.  I took these photos of nature undisturbed.  I am sure some of these images will pop up in paintings to come, as personal symbols of calm and clarity.